note to self:
have to stop eating at night.
no dinner.
one meal a day.

another kg overnite!*wheee
ermm.. just dua puluh empat more to go!

ok, is this healthy?

i knw i won’t die…but would i end up with internal problems?
i felt a stinging pain on my left chest/paru-paru area for a moment.
i googled, some say it’s just nothing.
some talk about like pre-cardiac arrest…
ermmm…
should i be worried?
=P

i wasn’t eating for one week straight…well maybe one serious meal in the whole week…

but then, a friend came back from Malaysia and school’s out! so all of us went to the Gold Coast.
i didn’t want to have to face the world alone, so i tagged along wherever they went.
but one thing about holidays is that…u eat a lot. and i do mean A LOT.
well, maybe not my standard of A LOT..less but still quite a bit…

anyhoooo, i lost 5kgs from all the non-eating rampage i went thru..and gained back a kilo when i was just hanging out with friends. they kept me sane…they cared…they were there because sometimes you just need to tell people…i drove them around so i would be occupied. when i was at the back seat being driven, i would tear up thinking what had happened….my life was in quite an utter mess.
and they were always concerned..when i seem to be drifting away, the pulled me back to reality.
they are true friends..

i wanted to vomit what i had eaten. i couldn’t see rice, i couldn’t look at milk. but most of the things i bought had milk in it. cravings maybe?

so a kilo was added on…(curse u brown sugar tea!)
and my friend who came back for 8 days has since gone back to Malaysia…
she’s coming back again in february.

and now, i’m by myself again.
yes, mum’s around…
yes, i confide in her…
but sometimes it’s not the same..
you want someone your own age to talk to…
it feels different that way…
i’ve eaten less again…
now i don’t really want to eat eat…
i just want to taste things…
last time i went into brisbane city…i went crazy..
i bought 3 different sushis, a large cup of mini cream puffs (beard papa is the devil) and later bought a quarter chicken from oporto.
that day i ate 1 sushi, shared the cream puffs and ate a quarter of the quarter chicken (and shared the rest with friends).

today…i’ve weighed myself…
i’ve lost 2 kgs.
100kgs to go.
ok i kid.
how about 25kgs.
then i can be skinny like kate moss (though still impossible)
*a girl can but dream…

oh, and hello jawline..i haven’t seen u in a while..

p.s. sorry this post is so syok sendiri. but i’m a little bit happier now…moving on…moving on…
i hated the sin, but not the sinner. and this is the truth.
and in some mind boggling, twisted heart feeling i have in this whole situation…i still want to be friends with him…but it seems that he doesn’t…
*a girl can but try…

damn, queensland is so hot!
it is not even remotely funny….

i’m gonna melt soon…real soon…
i’ve got two, yes DUA, fans blasted in my room and i still am not able to stand the heat…
yes, yes, malaysia is hot as well….
but it’s just crazy here….
i don’t know what to dooooo… :/

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i haven’t been eating right since monday.
the last meal i can remember was yesterday’s lunch.
i think about 10 pcs of chips from maccas.
i had a bottle of apple juice and a medium sized cola.
and a panadol.

and hey…i’ve lost weight!
it’s not healthy…but i’m kinda happy about this weight lost…
is that weird?

i’ve been hearing there’s a silver lining in everything.
and this i am positive is one of ‘em.
getting your heartbroken is not so bad after all.

the worst feeling i will ever feel.
i feel used.
so very much so, i feel nauseated everytime i think about it.

i never thought i was that bad of a person that one could feel it’s ok to use me that way.
to string me along…all the time.
to treat me like a toy u put in the storage…
if u don’t like the new one, u can always whip me out.

and suddenly.
u dropped me.
so quick to get rid of me.
u must really like the new toy.

i still wish u got rid of me a long time before…
when i threw myself away…
u wanted me back and brushed me clean…
i thought u wanted to keep me….but that was never the case.

i’m not sad u found someone new,
i’m sad because you used me so….

though it brings me so much sadness to be used that way…
i do wish u all the happiness.
i’m going to brace myself for what is next.
i have a strong feeling it is going to be big.
like wedding bells big.
i’m happy u’ve found someone but i can never forget that feeling.
that horrible feeling of being used.
i hope u have really changed..
for her sake.
not yours.

So many gods,
So many creeds,
So many paths
that wind and
wind and wind,
While but the art of being kind,
Is all this sad world needs.
-Anon.

this heavy heart is just weighing me down.

why do i keep feeling so sad?